I remember this day well, it was a Monday morning – the beginning of a brand new week. I woke up and lay in my bed just staring at the ceiling, I felt numb and empty and all I could think was ‘now what do I do?’

The Monday I am referring to was back in May 2017 and was the day after my last horse went back to her owner following my para dressage career coming to an end.

I was use to my week’s diary being full, life as an elite rider meant training my horses, yard duties, organising visit from vets, farriers, equine physiotherapists. I would also do two or three gym sessions per week as well as attending sports massage appointments

I loved my life, I loved my horses and my sport and I also loved the lifestyle that came with being both a ‘horsey girl’ and being an elite GB athlete.

I was literally living my dream!

I was ‘literally’ living my dream!

But, from the moment I opened my eyes on that Monday morning, I was hit by the stark reality that the ‘dream’ was over – it was literally like waking up from a nightmare, except I knew that this nightmare was my reality.

Everything had gone, my horses, my career… the life that I loved, it was all over and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I remember thinking there’s no horses to look after, no training sessions with Ange (my trainer), nothing to plan for or organise and no real reason to go to the gym.

I just felt so empty, it was like my purpose, my ambitions, my dreams had literally been drained away.

The thing that I hated the most about this time in my life wasn’t just about losing the horses that I loved and the career I was passionate about, but it was the loss of purpose that I felt.

My horses and my sport were my whole life, I strived everyday to be a better rider so I could get the best out of my horses. Our goal was always to be selected onto the next championship team.

With the Paralympic Games being a four year cycle, every year there was a championship to aim for – The four year cycle went: Paralympic games, european championships, world equestrian games, european championships.

As soon as one major championship was over, it was about preparing and training for the next. – I loved being in the constant routine and mindset of striving to get better and better in order to earn my place on the next championship team.

Suddenly my purpose had gone and feeling lost was an understatement.

Whilst I was trying to come to terms with what I had loved and lost, I suppose I was also grieving for the ‘purpose’ that I had lost.

As the weeks went by I remember desperately looking for answers and a new purpose to my life. Google became my best friend… or my worst enemy, I guess it depends which way you look at it!

I spent hours on the internet looking for answers – unfortunately I had no real strategy to my search nor did I really know what I I was looking for. I would think of an idea for a possible new career and then frantically type it into Google… but nothing seemed to sit right with me.

I even enrolled myself on a distance learning course to be a primary school classroom assistant and started going into the village school once a week to gain experience by hearing the children read. I really did embrace this and although I enjoyed my time spent with the children, deep down I knew this wasn’t really me.

There were times when I considered the alternative – I really wanted the pain to end

As the weeks passed I struggled more and more to deal with the situation that I was in. At times the life I was living seemed too much to bare and there were times when I considered the alternative – I really wanted the pain to end.

All the time, even on the really dark days, I never stopped looking for answers… and eventually it came to me!

In my time as a GB athlete I was funded by Lottery funding through UK Sport and as part of my contract agreement I was required to give motivational talks to schools and other organisations to inspire the next generation.

It suddenly came to me that I actually really enjoyed giving these motivational and inspirational talks… so, there was my answer staring me in the face, what if I marketed myself as a motivational speaker?

So, that is exactly what I did! And, who would have thought that five years later I would be a TEDx speaker, I would have worked with a company such as Vodafone to train their telephonists how to deliver customer service to their customers with disabilities… and I would be a published author!

When my sporting career came to an end, I really did feel like life wasn’t worth living. But five years later, I am so, so grateful that I kept searching for the answer!

Emma Sheardown, TEDx/Motivational Speaker and Author is available for keynote presentations for business gatherings, corporate conferences and groups of all sizes. Topics include confidence to achieve, breaking through barriers, positive thinking and disability awareness.

Connect with Emma on: facebook.com/ESheardownMotivationalSpeaker. |. linkedin.com/in/esheardown-motivationalspeaker | twitter.com/sheardown_emma |. Instagram.com/emma_sheardown